Like I mentioned last week, my mornings arent the best part of my day lately. Just as I am getting ready to leave, my little one wakes up and it’s so sad that her mornings start with a threat that her mom is going to leave her for the day and so the crying spell starts. Sometimes, I am putting on my shirt with my LO in my arms, putting on my face lotion while holding her and telling her that it’s all going to be okay and I will be back in the evening. I also wish to hold her for as long as I can so both she and I know I am not deserting her; its temporary and I will always be with her for as far as I can. But then somethings, she will have to do herself.
In that moment, when I am juggling getting ready and cuddling her, I am feeling anxious and irritated and angry too; I want the world around to make it all smooth for me. I feel angry with everyone around me for not helping me enough. While in reality it is my heart breaking apart because I don’t want my child to have such a tough time. And it is my inability to handle these vulnerable moments, that I begin to feel angry with everyone around me for not sorting things out for me. And isnt it how we all handle difficult emotions. Instead of taking responsbility of how we feel and just being in that moment, we externalise the pain and find someone or something to blame. It’s always someone else who could have made our life better. What we seek from others is actually broken inside us. Our criticism of them is a loud cry to fix what is broken inside us. Unfortunately no one other than I, me, myself can fix it.
I have been part of this vicious cycle for a very long time and may be still am. Just that I don’t think I am alone. If you open FB today, at least 50% people complain or share posts about how the world cheated them, how their loved ones didn’t stand by them and how time is the biggest teacher and how they had to sacrifice everything in their life for their family, blah, blah, blah. We all do it, including me. The important link we all forget is that before the world, our loved one or time cheated us, we cheated ourselves. We didn’t listen to what our heart wanted, we didn’t have the courage to do what it took to love ourselves first. If we don’t love ourself, we can’t expect the world to do. It’s not their job. What’s broken inside us – we need to fix it – no one else can or will. You failed it first. You denied the love you deserved to yourself first. When you blame someone else, you give them the power whereas the power and responsibility lies with you. Just as it lies with them to work on their happiness. I am not trying to preach here – it’s just a hard learned lesson, albeit a little late. But it’s never too late. Love yourself first. Fill your cup first.