Last few weeks have been like a trip to Hell. So much so that I really started questioning everything we ever do or want to do! I picked up a work assignment sometime back for which I had to leave my crying girl at home at 7 in the morning. Her cries and her howls and that overreaching arm for me to hold her just once more and never let her go from my bosom still haunts me. And it seems like it always will. Trust me, that’s what I want to. The only difference was she could cry her heart out and I had to keep my head low so no one could see my tears. I would sit silently during my commute covering my head so that I don’t expose my vulnerability to anyone. Not a single day went by without both of us breaking down like there is nothing in this world that can put us back together again. And may be that one part will always feel broken, scarred. The futility of life itself and nothing’s worth more than being there for one’s child overrides this moment, all in one instance.
I consulted a few people and some counselled me that I will have to be strong through this time. What they forgot to tell me was that one will have to redefine strong. I have had the misfortune of being beside ailing family and friends but it is not even close to leaving a crying baby! This feels like third degree torture. To top it all, I am always scared that am I scarring her for life. Will she be able to trust to come to me in need? Am I being too cruel on her to try and pursue my needs? I know you all will say NO. But then why is it so hard. I wish there was an easier way out but guess not. Are we ever enough as mothers/parents? Do you ever feel like you did everything in your power for your kids?
Two weeks into work life, we were cuddling before I leave for work. I told her goodbye and I am going to be back in the evening. Just as I stood up, the soft cries, much softer from what it has been in the last few weeks, started. She looked at me and said Bye. I cried and smiled and felt proud and overwhelmed all in that one moment. Sometimes you have to grow apart to grow together.